


What is it that you are

by lovestillaround



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: A Bit of Fluff, Conversations, M/M, a bit of mild anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-03-31 18:50:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13981188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovestillaround/pseuds/lovestillaround
Summary: there are questions that pop up in Phil’s head





	What is it that you are

Sometimes things just don’t make sense.

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering what another person thinks about or why they act in a certain way, there is a chance that you’ve come to a conclusion that you know nothing about the humanity. People seem very strange sometimes, that’s how it is.

Is Daniel Howell strange?

If you’d ask Phil Lester, he would probably laugh at first, with this heartfelt, genuine laugh. He would be surprised by the question, maybe a bit ashamed that he laughed. There would be a lot of things running through his mind at that moment, things that he couldn’t say, things that are private or embarrassing maybe. Things that he wouldn’t want to share.

He would give a generic answer, like ‘everybody is a little bit strange sometimes’ or ‘I don’t know, you would need to ask him’. Phil Lester isn’t good at expressing strong opinions.

He would think about it though, maybe at night lying in bed, maybe in the morning sipping his coffee. (Okay, not in the morning. In the morning he is too grumpy and the only thing he thinks about is his bed that is probably still warm.)

“Dan?”

It isn’t morning, it is evening, the time of the day when Phil is usually more social. Dan answers with a quiet mumble, not even looking up from his laptop. Phil doesn’t blame him, they talk like this all the time. Phil likes to share with him all the silliest and funniest things he has found on the internet. (He likes to share almost everything with Dan.) It isn’t something that needs to absorb Dan’s full attention.

Phil knows that the question he’s going to ask is stupid but there is no place for thoughts like this in their relationship, they’ve known each other for too long, they know each other too well. The word stupid doesn’t exist. (It does but Phil doesn’t like to think about it.)

Phil asks the question because he thinks about it sometimes and he never knows the answer.

“What is it that you are?”

Dan looks at him this time. His eyes are a bit red and maybe they should go for a walk, maybe Dan needs fresh air. Maybe they should go on vacation. Maybe Dan’s eyes produce not enough tears, just like Phil’s, and he needs to get them checked out. Maybe Phil always worries too much.

“What is that poetic shit, I would rather ask?”

Dan’s voice sounds more like his internet voice rather than the domestic one. There is this exaggeration in it and a slight edge. Phil doesn’t have a chance to answer because Dan is still talking.

“Have you been reading Shakespeare recently or what?” he says and laughs. There are wrinkles around his eyes that look lovely.

“No.”

Dan makes a face that means ‘answer me properly, bitch’.

“This is just my mind, Dan. Sometimes questions like this pop up in my head.”

Phil gesticulates while saying that, pointing at his own head and hitting it with his finger. He always does that. Sometimes words are not enough to transmit the message and Phil likes to use the full packet of possible expressions.

“So what does the question mean?”

Dan seems to be genuinely interested but Phil didn’t intend this conversation to become serious and he doesn’t know what to say.

“I’m not sure what it means. Sometimes I’m just wondering, what is it that I love about you so much. Why is it that you are so special to me and not, you know, someone else?”

There are two ways in which Dan reacts when he hears something silly from Phil. He either pretends to be shocked and disgusted or he smiles. This time he smiles.

“Thanks, Phil. That was… I don’t even know what to say. That was flattering.”

He turns back to doing something on his laptop and Phil comes up to him.

“Shut up. You know I didn’t mean it like this.”

Phil isn’t sure if this could have really upset Dan. They say many things just to annoy each other but maybe this conversation or this subject are too serious. Maybe it is just Phil projecting his fears right now, that Dan wouldn’t let it go, that Dan would distort this conversation in his head, that he would really think he doesn’t deserve Phil’s love.

“I know that I’m not very special, Phil. I know that I don’t have any unique features and that I am, in fact, a very average person…”

“No. No, be quiet.”

Phil kneels on the couch and shuts him up by covering his mouth. He waits until Dan gets silent.

“Oh, Dan. Why are you like this?” he asks once he’s sat on the couch beside him.

“Isn’t that what you love about me?”

The provocative tone of the question gets lost somewhere in the way Dan looks. He looks sincere and soft, like some character from a costume film talking to their forbidden lover. Phil places his hand on Dan’s. Lovers from costume film usually don’t do anything beside touching each other’s hands. And dramatically kissing in rain, but it isn’t raining right now.

“You are special. You are very special. But what I meant is that I still don’t know how it happened. I love you with all my heart but I don’t know why. There is no single reason. There might be thousands of reasons but I don’t even know them all.”

Dan is very sceptical and he’s a rationalist. It drives Phil crazy sometimes but he’s got used to it. He knows what Dan’s going to say before he even opens his mouth.

“There are hormones and some chemicals in your brain that make you feel this way.”

“Okay. But why do these chemicals react like this when I see you and not someone else?”

Dan moves closer and his lips almost touch Phil’s neck.

“How do they react?”

“Don’t change the subject.”

Dan backs off, only a bit. They are face to face now and he looks at Phil as if he would analyse him. Maybe he does. (He always does.)

“Do you have an existential crisis?”

Phil has never heard this question sound so gentle. It is always him who says that, not Dan. Maybe Dan finds it endearing, for some reason, as if this sudden change in character has brought them two even closer together. Phil doesn’t have an existential crisis though, he doesn’t feel bad or scared, he just thinks that some things in the world are weird.

“I don’t. I just would like to know what it means. I would like to get to the core of it. I don’t like to think that there are things about my love for you that I don’t understand.”

Dan puts his laptop onto the table and comes back to Phil. He lays his head onto Phil’s shoulder, maybe because he’s tired. Maybe he should go to sleep.

“You should be liking it. Because it’s magical and mysterious.”

“I probably should. But I don’t.”

Dan looks up at him.

“Is it that important for you? Is there anyone on earth who would know that?”

“I could be the first one.”

“You could. Come back to me in fifty years after you’ve done your research and are finally ready to love me as a whole.”

Phil shuffles a bit to have a closer look at Dan. He doesn’t like it when Dan doubts his feelings, even as a joke. He doesn’t know why because it’s obvious that they love each other. Phil doesn’t need an extra confirmation, he shouldn’t need one.

“I do love you as a whole. But don’t you think about it sometimes? Don’t you think this is crazy that we have found each other?”

“I think that you are crazy.”

Dan says it as if it was the most obvious thing and maybe it is. It doesn’t make Phil feel bad, he knows who he is and he knows his value. Being crazy is actually one of his qualities.

Dan lays his head back onto Phil’s shoulder and they sit like this for a moment, in complete silence. It should be peaceful but it isn’t. Phil still has these silly thoughts in his head or maybe they are not silly, maybe they are normal. He can’t tell.

“You could be sitting here with some Shannon or with a Roger and you could be happy with them.”

“But I am here with you. And I’m not going to replace you any time soon.”

Dan hugs him and it provides some comfort. It is true, they are both here, there is no need to worry, there is no need to think about it. Phil laughs, not sure why. Maybe he laughs at his silly thoughts.

“But don’t you think this is strange? Just a little bit?”

“You are strange sometimes.”

 Dan gives him a small peck on the lips and lies down, placing his head on Phil’s thigh and closing his eyes.

“But I’m also strange. And I love you a lot.”

Dan says it casually and maybe that’s how it should be.

**Author's Note:**

> I am on tumblr [lovestillaround](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
